I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
