I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I am available for nakedness
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
