Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
