So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
