I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
