My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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