ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
