I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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