I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
