My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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