don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
