i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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