she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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