I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
