I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just googled if crying burns calories
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
im on a boat
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