this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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