Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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