Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
