Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
