so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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