There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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