you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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