I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I have tasted many bathrooms
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
