I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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