Your face is a jimmy john
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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