Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
