You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Randomize
