i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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