You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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