Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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