And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
