Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize