it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
