anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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