you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
