just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
