I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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