i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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