a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
