I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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