we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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