That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
