i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
