I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
