I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
