I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
