I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
