I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
