i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
