i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
