can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
