my vag is so smooth its legendary
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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