whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
