I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
