Your mouth is God's brothel.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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