I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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