she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
