Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
